I’ve been eagerly attempting to avoid the rat race we call ‘progress’.
And though my efforts have been valiant, I continue to fail miserably.
It’s not that I think there is anything inherently wrong with trying to
‘make something of yourself’ or ‘succeed’ or ‘get ahead’ even ….
No, what I struggle with is
the illusion that ‘success’ is going to bring some sort of
peace, or happiness, or validation.
There is this path they call ‘self-discovery’…
I started walking it a few years back.
And since I hit the dirt road of ‘awareness’,
I have lost myself.
Time & time again.
I become so wrapped up in the existential crisis of
‘who am I’
and ‘what role do I play’
and ‘why am I here’
and ‘what is my purpose’.
Constantly searching and seeking for some answer,
some confirmation that there is more to life than going through the motions.
Maybe there is.
Maybe there isn’t.
I headed to Utah for my third trip to the beautiful desert mountains of Zion National Park. [2017, 2018]
Just what the doctor ordered after a long, dark, lonely winter in the Northland.
A 32-liter pack filled with enough clothes for the adventure, a Polaroid camera and a journal.
Another week spent living out of a 2005 Ford Utility van with my best friend.
The days were long, yet they passed so quick.
That’s the thing about simplicity -
it fills you up and empties you out, simultaneously.
The rocks are ancient there,
their story painted in layers of color…
Years of erosion and weathered storms.
New perspectives await with every bend in the road.
This landscape didn't form over night.
Years of transitions and wind that carried change
reminds me that there are forces beyond my reach.
I want to believe I have control,
I want to pretend there is such a thing as ‘stable’ ground,
I constantly attempt to define ‘myself’,
to find ‘myself’.
I say it’s all in the name of ‘figuring things out’……
What I continue to forget, and relearn, and reject, and embrace (on repeat)
is that life isn’t some puzzle that can be solved.
It’s mysterious, and unpredictable, and unavoidable.
My duty is to step out of the way and let it happen…
Maybe, just maybe, I am here to enjoy what is given.
Slowly, one day at a time, I am learning.