Tabula rasa, blank slate, new beginning...
Whatever you want to call it, it's that moment in time when you finally decide
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I've been in a rough place-
A space resembling an old dusty, damp basement filled with boxes and piles of anxious desires, unrealistic assumptions, unruly reactions and a consistent clinging to the past.
A room, deep under, with no windows to let in the light.
Four walls filled with limited perceptions and no direction.
Tunnel vision and obsessive contemplation.
Once I finally took some time to slow down,
truly slow down, and be with my thoughts, I lost my mind.
Part of me is being dramatic, the other part is relieved I said it.
After a few years of constant here-and-gone-again living I became a ruler in dodging my emotions, distracting myself from dealing with the baggage I unconsciously carried.
I could pick up, pack up, and leave behind whatever I didn't want to look at, deal with, accept.
Always departing, never truly arriving.
The signs were all there...
A few broken bones, a handful of surgeries, detached relationships,
constant destinations, unreasonable expectations.
Things never seemed to be going 'my way',
another victim in the big game.
Oh, how blind I was.
I became attached to the mask, my 'role' of always staying strong.
An image of a positive, bubbly girl who never let the dimple disappear...
I held it all in until I couldn't hold any more.
As the moon falls, so does the sun rise.
Impermanence can be a burden or a blessing,
depending on how you address it.
The dark feelings I felt just needed to be noticed,
they had no intentions of sticking around.
The more I open to the emotions, the quicker they dissipate.
Slowly learning to accept instead of judge,
To reflect instead of assume,
To respond instead of react.
I see light on the horizon, coming in right on time.
A brand new day.
Once again, becoming my own best friend.