Journal

Bad Habits

Note to Self - 05.11.2017
'Bad Habits'


All you've got to do is Notice.

You don't have to try and change it.
You don't have to feel bad about it.
You don't have to make excuses
or justify
or question why-

All you've got to do is notice. 

Stay curious. 
Watch what happens when you simply observe
with no need to modify or control-
But, to welcome what is so real and in front of you.

The simple moments, the silver linings and the subtle transitions. 

Truth finds a way to the ones who Notice.....


New Beginnings: Part Three

This path-
This path is not easy. 
It is not your typical walk in the park...
'Be mindful'
'Relax into the moment'
J   U   S   T
'Find your breath' they say. 
A light, fluffy matter.


A task for any-
Though it takes some strength. 
There are deep, deep struggles you must first overcome. 
You've got to stare long and hard toward all your habits, your imperfections, impulses, judgements-
And then you have to detach from them.
Accept them. Understand them. Embrace them. Learn from them.
And then let them go.

It doesn't happen overnight --> it is a constant practice.

& it's lonely.


Because.........................
No one can support a battle that is rooted in internal attachment. 
No one can relate on a visceral level, 
Even if you could ever muster the right words. 

Isolated on this lonely island until

YOU

find the strength to open to a new day. 
A new way of living, 
Of seeing,
Of perceiving.


Grab your floaty
because you're going to need all the help you can get, 
even with it, some moments will make you sink. 

The broken pieces will cut to the bone,
but keep pushing, keep moving forward.
Cry in the shower, scream in the car-

Suffering is only the start. 


It will pass, 
As it ALWAYS does. 

But remember;

Some things with bitter rinds
hold the sweetest fruit. 


New Beginnings: Part Two

Tabula rasa, blank slate, new beginning...
Whatever you want to call it, it's that moment in time when you finally decide

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I've been in a rough place-
A space resembling an old dusty, damp basement filled with boxes and piles of anxious desires, unrealistic assumptions, unruly reactions and a consistent clinging to the past. 
A room, deep under, with no windows to let in the light. 
Four walls filled with limited perceptions and no direction.
Tunnel vision and obsessive contemplation.


Once I finally took some time to slow down,
truly slow down, and be with my thoughts, I lost my mind.

Part of me is being dramatic, the other part is relieved I said it. 


After a few years of constant here-and-gone-again living I became a ruler in dodging my emotions, distracting myself from dealing with the baggage I unconsciously carried.


I could pick up, pack up, and leave behind whatever I didn't want to look at, deal with, accept.

Always departing, never truly arriving.

The signs were all there...
A few broken bones, a handful of surgeries, detached relationships,
constant destinations, unreasonable expectations.
Things never seemed to be going 'my way',

another victim in the big game.
Oh, how blind I was.

I became attached to the mask, my 'role' of always staying strong.
An image of a positive, bubbly girl who never let the dimple disappear...
I held it all in until I couldn't hold any more. 

As the moon falls, so does the sun rise.
Impermanence can be a burden or a blessing,
depending on how you address it.
The dark feelings I felt just needed to be noticed,
they had no intentions of sticking around. 
The more I open to the emotions, the quicker they dissipate. 

Slowly learning to accept instead of judge,
To reflect instead of assume,
To respond instead of react. 

I see light on the horizon, coming in right on time.
A brand new day.
Once again, becoming my own best friend.

New Beginnings: Part One

NEW BEGINNINGS

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
— T.S. Eliot

Oh, the dark clouds roll away as the sun begins to shine.
Spring is here and she came right on time...

Spring is all about new beginnings, new life-
Growth, moving forward-
Rebirth, warmth.

Sometimes you’ve got to let go, release the old.
The last few years have been full of experience.
Learning, loving, leaving.
 

In the midst of the busyness I lost touch of who I was-

I became disconnected, dissatisfied, distressed.
I was caught in my impulses, desires, and reactions.

Restless I ran,
Point-A to point-B forgetting about everything in between.
Searching, seeking. 
Asking questions but closing out the answers.

I found myself at a crossroad:

One edge clinging to the past,
The other planning out the future.
Lost in my mind, in my stories, in my thoughts.

I could never truly accept where I was.

My hands tangled behind my back.
Shoulders heavy - weighed down by fear & insecurity.
My chest suffocated by expectations & role identity.
The clock kept ticking and I couldn't catch up...


And then I decided to simply stop.
I looked down at the ground-
The grass so green, right beneath my feet.

Connection

What connects us?


An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, and circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle. But it will never break.
— Ancient Chinese Proverb

There is something in the universe that brings people together. Call it coincidence, if you must... I call it fate. Each of us is teaching a million tiny lessons in every simple conversation, whether we are aware of it or not.

I have given a small piece of myself to each stranger in which I stumble toward.
I have shown my darkest hour to transient gypsy's. 
I have bonded with the simple folk, the godly intelligent and the silent wise.
I have been touched, influenced, conditioned and inspired
by the seemingly 'random' connections.

And as I count my blessing, I ask a favor-
Ponder this...

Why did we meet?
What do you remember?
What have you learned?
What can you teach?

The answers themselves are not much important. Rather my interest lies in your willingness to reply, your attentiveness to curiously explore the questions and your intention to reflect.

We've all got a message to share. Stay anonymous if you'd like, but consider responding by filling out the form below. Share whatever comes to mind; a personal story, your favorite quote, a memory or lasting impression. Remember- you never know who you're going to impact and you never know why. 

What's your name?
What's your name?

Days Like This

It's mornings like these
when you wonder why you ever slept in...
To miss the purple sky would have been a shame-
Greeted by the light of the fading full moon as the ice reflects the pastel sky.

Walking on water, filled with mystery and wonder.

Some days are like this-
So calm. So peaceful. So clear.

Everything you do and think makes sense-
Every thought, ever feeling, every idea..
Crystal-
like the flakes glistening with the dawn light.

It's days like this,

The ones without hurry and haste,

That remind you of what's important.

Sometimes you don't seek an answer,

You needn't ask why,

The words of your story don't have to rhyme.

Sometimes all you long for is a deep breathe and some crisp air.
A bone chilling gust of wind to bring you back to the simple moment.
The pieces of the puzzle start to look like they fit,
And you remind yourself, you're meant to experience days like this.

It doesn't always happen,
But lately the little things have been making their way into sight.
I mean the real little things...
I've always been in awe of the sunrises, but it's the tiny details of the sparkling ice flakes that catch my eye-
The backroads that I never sought out that continue to inspire.
The life I dreamt of, unfolding gracefully, day-by-day.

Beauty,
it's all around us.

 

It hasn't always been this way, this optimistic state of mind-
Most of the time I'm racing through life with momentum fueling my motivation,
Going through the motions as if it were my day job...
So entirely caught up in what's next that I leave behind what already is.

It's the simple moments that bring about the brightest insight.

Confusion and worry fall away as I realize

the only goal is to not have a goal-

To not have a plan,

An expectation,

A destination.

The real struggle in life is to be present.
And once you find it, you find it surrounds you.
Everything you could have ever imagined is in this second, to experience every one of your senses....
To feel.
to hear.
to see. 
to touch. 
to taste the freshness of this life.
To BE, wholly as you are-
That is what living is all about.

There are going to be cracks, pivots, struggles and lessons-
Yet what is life with out a bit of balance.
It won't always make sense, but once and a while is enough.
Enjoy what you've got before it's all gone and remember life is what you make it.
Make it meaningful, make it joyful, and fill it with gratitude.

Before you know it, it'll all be over-
So take what you need and give what you can.
Every day is filled with pure beauty, all we've got to do is open our eyes and enjoy the ride.

Note to self.... [Get out of the way]

NOTE TO SELF - 8.27.16

We've all got insecurities, these faults in our stars...
The insight we lack is that these impurities,
Imperfections, traits, habits, behaviors
We hold are absolutely normal-
Apart of the human condition.

It is our flaws and foibles which connect us.
It's what makes us special, unique, authentic....

Our potential is infinite if we break down the walls,
Wipe away the illusions
In order to see what is behind each of our fears and doubts.

If we can get passed the years of conditioning-
And acceptance coincides-
We can begin to percieve things as they really are.

All we see is all we have imagined.
What we think, we will become.

The universe isn't out to get us,
It's interested in moving us forward. 
Though, this is only possible if we let it.

Our continuous gripping and clinging to the past will only hold us back.
Our constant field of expectations and chaotic plans for the future blind us to what so clearly presents itself.

We are our own destiny-

This life is just one experience,
You chose how you want to live it.